Friday, September 21, 2007

Shopping for a great guy?? Read this!

Hey guys! I have been extremely busy these past days. My company was invited for the advertising pitch of a BIG brand. It was a very important brief for us and yours truly was involved from the planning to presentation stage. We did the presentation yesterday and as things stand, we are keeping our fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

I will like to share something with the girls today. It’s something am sure the single babes will find interesting (I did) and more too if you are in the market shopping for a great guy! We all want to find a great guy. But let's face it—how many of your exes seemed fantastic at first, only for you to find out later they were Mr. Wrongs? Well, no more bad boys, mama's boys, or anything of the sort! Dr. Bethany Marshall shares her shopping list for a healthy man in this excerpt from her book, Deal Breakers.

How to Spot a Great Guy
The 10 essential things to look for

by Dr. Bethany Marshall

1. When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person-not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to call in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.

2. Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.For instance, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.

3. If he's a healthy man, he will never make plans for the future that he does not intend to back up.And he will certainly not say, “I'm not sure where this relationship is going,” and then continue to call you and have sex with you. He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear that he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married, but you are the only one who is planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.

4. If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual.When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back by surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink? Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need.

5. If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them.Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you or apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be-charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.

6. If he's a healthy man, he will like you for who you are.Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. For instance, you dress a certain way and he refuses to hold you or compliment you. Or you gain weight and he stops having sex with you. Does he take pleasure in you, whether you look sexy in your low-rider jeans or have just gotten out of bed? Does he spend time with your family because he knows that you are a part of them? Is he interested in your spirituality? Or do you feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold on to his approval? Even when it comes to your sexual preferences, you should feel free to reveal yourself without fear of losing his affection.

7. A healthy man will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself.Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. For instance, he will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what. And he would never refuse to call, refuse to be nice, or walk out the door without quickly returning-simply because you shared your concerns with him.

8. A healthy man has a learning curve.For instance, if you tell him that you need more time together or need him to stop doing something that is obnoxious, he will shift his behavior because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them. He would never admit to a substance abuse problem and then refuse to address it. Or agree to appropriately separate from his mother (who dislikes you) but then go running back to the nest.

9. If he is healthy, he will seek his own solutions.For instance, if he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a twelve-step program-anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. (You could do worse than give him this book. No, wait-make him buy his own damn copy!) Petty pride, laziness, or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to take to have a full relationship with you.

10. A healthy man will not try to have power over you.He won't leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Or make you feel that you have to disappear for a few days to recover the power you once had. Even if he has more money, status, and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. A healthy man is willing to take you into account instead of pushing you away. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision making. Because you matter, he does not want to have undue influence or control over you. And he can trust that he is loved, even when he is not in charge. When it comes to who takes care of whom, and who makes the decisions, and who gets the last say, he is willing to negotiate (because really, all of life is a little like Let's Make a Deal).
Have a great weekend everyone and i wish for every lady shopping for a great guy that you find him!
p.s: I will be out of the office all through next week. Am taking a one week well deserved rest off work and travelling out of lagos so i may not be able to visit all your blogs. Dont miss me too much, will try to reach out if i can find internet connection where i am going, Cheers!


Obi said...

Hmmm...ok ladies...Start your engines...!!!

Wonder if there's anything for a guy shoppin' for women...??

Ok, I just wanted to ruin it for all you cherry poppin' addicts..

OUI C'EST MOI said...

i am sooo against all these expert stipulations of the "healthy guy" it appears that even healthy is now subjective..

OUI C'EST MOI said...

i forgot to mention.. you are quite the looker

30+ said...

Soon you will be Blogville Agony Aunt o with all your expert posts on guys and relationships.

Have a fab weekend.

princesa said...

@obi, lol! I am searching for something for the guys, dont worry.

@oui c'st moi, Thanks.
I still think there is something to be learnt from them anyway.

@30+, lol, i need an agony aunt myself!

bighead said...

This is educating enough for the guys. Just be what the women want as indicated above and you are good to go.

Afrobabe said...

@bighead...hehehehe we have given the criteria away...

loads of men can actually be all this yet fuck up along the way....abeg i don tire jare...i just want a manageable one...

Obi said...

Actually...ya don't even have to bother lookin for a "male list"...
All a guy has to do is just substitute "healthy woman" for "healthy man"..and "she" for "he" in this blog and...BOOM..ready-made male shoppin' list...
Darn thing tends to narrow down the choices though...Good luck to us all..!!

Ondo Lady said...

Very interesting and all so true. I love the new picture collage, very classy.

pamelastitch said...


Healthy men do exist...just know that the competition is stiff...But when a healthy man loves, he loves you on your good days and bad days.....

Those relationships take time to build.... :P

lol and that is all i am saying


catwalq said...

I hope this man has been born and is between 29 and 45 o
eze okwu

Aijay said...

Lol @ Afrobabe wanting a manageable man. Babes don't settle for less, u'll get the best for you.

So Princesa, e ka na shop for the right guy? Maka why?
Okwa agwalam gi na ha ga bia in December. Nwe ndidi. Lol.
I don't particularly like books/articles by relationship 'experts' cos they tend to be too subjective. There's some truth in the criteria for a healthy man in your post but some are a bit over the top.
Personally, if I love a man & he loves, respects & appreciates me, thats perfect for me.

PS: Enjoy your break & holla when you return.
Take care!

La Reine said...

Makes sense.

Ze book sounds like a good beach-side read at least.

-Takia girl

~Mimi~ said...

that was interesting to read!!

and ur soooooo pretty! lol

...toyintomato said...

...oya let me confess. i did not read everything.
this shopping for husband thing craze tire me oh.
i have information overload on this particular topic.
..i dont want a perfect/healthy man, i am not perfect/healthy.
..enjoy your break

Nyemoni said...

Girl be case o! With this your fine face who would know you are a tease! Thanks for the birthday wishes on my blog...and do have a safe trip! God bless!

Omosewa said...

Mehn its long o, is it worth the read? Are you back? I hope you had fun!

princesa said...

@bighead, thats da spirit bro!Just follow the rules and you are good to go.

@afrobabe, lol@ manageable guy. Babes dont settle for less like aijay said.

@obi,lol. I see you particularly like this post. Good luck to ya!

@ondo lady, you came by! Alleluya!!

@pammy, enough said dear. You hit the nail on the head.

@catwalq, of course he has! Just look hard!!

princesa said...

@aijay, a na m e nwe ndidi o! O kwa i ga enye m nwanne gi nwoke by december?? lol!
"if I love a man & he loves, respects & appreciates me, thats perfect for me"
Simple! That's all we want!

@la reine,good beach read abi? What about good house read??

@mimi, thankssssssss dear!

@TT, lol! You are not healthy!! Some one is saying the truth here o! So what are you doing to make yourself healthy dear??
Come to think of it, lots of us are not healthy too but thats the more reason why we need a healthy partner to cure us of our malady!

@nyemoni, me tease?? Now where did you get that from girl??? lol! I have been told that too but i refuse to believe am one.

@omosewa, lol! Lazy gal! Oya have you read it now? Was it worth the read?? Am i didnt go anywhere!